Shohei Ohtani is so good for baseball that he is pretty much carrying the Los Angeles Angels to something better than Heaven: The MLB postseason!
I am flapping my got dam arms like I’m Joseph Gordon-Levitt for Shohei Ohtani’s Los Angeles Angels to win the pennant, baby!
Like the guy that clearly inspired Rick Sanchez from Ricky and Morty, we’re always watching. Outside of the Rally Monkey 100 percent putting a curse on all teams besides the Angels in 2002, it has been a lot of Mike Trout being boring and Mike Scioscia living in the past for the Angels. Not since George Knox wasn’t too old for that s**t have I thought the Angels were cool. Are they cool?
I mean, they could be, but Trout has a personality less than a trout. It is like having a golden pet rock. It is a great asset to have, and something fun to show to your friends at a dinner party, but it is not carrying the conversation. But you know what will? Ohtani entering the K-Pop phase of his life. He is a bigger star than BTS. Have you seen that man eat Funyuns and listen to The Fugees?
Although I am not a betting man, I will take the field over the Angels winning this year’s Fall Classic. Truth be told, it’s all about the pennant, baby! We have no idea if Adrien Brody, Tony Danza or Matthew McConaughey won a World Series in the early 1990s! Well, one won an Oscar as a Pianist or something. Another bought stuff in Dallas. And the third, well … he kicked field goals.
You’re not the boss of me now, as I’m telling you what these segments are!
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths: I’m convinced Brandon Marsh is the Slippery When Wet version of Charlie Blackmon, to be totally honest
It must be something in the water of the Chattahoochee River. Whether you’re a Buford Wolf, a North Gwinnett Bulldog or a Walton Raider like myself, there’s just something about growing up in the ‘burbs that makes you want to let it flow and never put a razor to your face. I am no Charlie Blackmon or Brandon Marsh on the diamond, but I will tell you, us ATLiens have a look, alright…
When you look like you go to Bonaroo the weekend of Bonaroo, you know you’re cool in being able to be so fricking cool, man. Marsh lives in a perpetual state of wetness, so we know he is a man with a plan when it comes to a flipping water cool, bruh. Oh, his teammates must really hate him!
When Bon Jovi recorded Slippery When Wet, this is 1000 percent what they were talking about. Get your head out of the gutter, bro! We all know that overrated 80s metal was about incredibly wholesome content and the music itself, just like the wholesome content that is Philadelphia Phillies baseball! The nicest people in the world know how to be so nice to their co-workers, aight.
When you look like you belong on a Wanted: Dead or Alive poster, You Give Love a Bad Name. Halfway there and Livin’ on a Prayer in my so-called life, It’s My Life! Like Frankie said, I did it my way! Who Says You Can’t Go Home in the middle of a pandemic? Lori Lightfoot tried, but I’ve got three magical words that’ll fix that right up. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! It’s Showtime!
It is so rare that I will say anything positive about the Phillies, so this better earn me good karma.