New Saints quarterback puts Zoolander to shame in rookie photoshoot

Jake Haener modeling in his New Orleans Saints uniform should have Derek Zoolander, Hansel and even Jacobim Mugatu mad, mad jealous, y’all.

Whether it be Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre or god, even Magnum, New Orleans Saints rookie quarterback Jake Haener is beautiful and an absolutely majestic specimen in his football uniform.

Model means misshapen ball of clay, and Haener tries to remember that every time he steps onto the field. When a Saint gets doused with Diet Coke, it usually means something bad happened vs. the Atlanta Falcons, but when Haener pours that zero-calorie deliciousness onto his scalp, it makes a human being weak. The way that he looks on the back of a spoon will probably make you feel terrible about yourself, too. Earth to Matilda, I can’t read minds, but hear me out…

One look is all you need for Saints fans to forget about Andy Dalton. Behold the dreamiest thing to ever grace Seventeen magazine.

I cannot wait for Haener to go on adventures with Jimmy Garoppolo to see if they can find the files from inside the computer.

New Orleans Saints rookie QB Jake Haener’s photoshoot is to die for

Although I have yet to spend a week at a day spa, D-A-I-Y-E, DAIYE!, I imagine this is what we could all look like if we ate actual food, went to the gym and got a good eight hours of sleep a night. Unfortunately, we have Starbucks addictions that aren’t going away. The worst part is we have yet to taste the splendid glory of an Orange Mocha Frappuccino unironically. I had it once before I could shave. I tell you what, it tasted like ambrosia or manna coming down from the heavens. Like Nu Metal, I peaked in the 2000s, I just didn’t know it at the time, man.

While I hate this team more than a foamy latte, I am willing to work with Haener like Mugatu did after Zoolander retired. Because what do we do when we fall off the horse? We get back on! I am not a gymnast, Maury, but I will try. We are staring Magnum in the face with the wide-eyed splendor of Bobby Hebert doing Bobby Hebert things in a pre-internet world. Let’s just hope Dome Patrol doesn’t get into a freak gasoline fight accident. There is more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good-looking, and I am trying to figure out what that is.

Ultimately, we should expect Haener to sit on the sidelines in bubble wrap or have his whole body covered in a J.P. Prewitt-inspired cryogenic chamber. Like hand models, we keyboard warriors think differently. We’re a different breed after all. While we all try to avoid the tragic demise of Pedro Scialfa, just know the clock is ticking for Haener to begin his pro career as the good lord intended. Look for this merman to be the moisture that is the essence of wetness and the wetness of the essence of beauty. Oh, Fresno is so going to love that!

Let’s be real. The only thing we really care about this photoshoot is if the Prime Minister of Malaysia approves of Haener’s one look.

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